I Hope You Come To Me When You Want To Talk

I was about 10 when I remember being depressed for the first time.
Feeling like no one understood.
I was only a child
and yet
the feelings I had are so vivid
so sad
I wasn’t even a teenager
When I remember depression
Consuming my mind
And no one worried
No one thought to look out for me
But now you’re nine
And I worry about you
Every single day
Because I don’t want the pain I felt
To be something you know
At all

Poetry

I used to write oceans of words and mountains of thought–
I could make galaxies collapse or a universe expand–
I could puzzle your mind or tie your stomach in knots–
Let you fly through the clouds or set your feet on dry land.

I would provoke the fears in your mind from where they once hid–
Tear the seams of your soul with just a single line–
Pour hope where you’re empty like no one else did–
Pull the strings of your heart by playing off mine.

I can’t keep your heart beating when I can’t find my words.
I can’t keep your interest when I’m broken and dying.
We fight battles with guns and I’m left with dull swords–
I can’t win you over when you can’t see I’m trying.

My words are lost at sea with no hope on the horizon–
My thoughts lost in a maze with walls all around.
So can I be rescued when I don’t know what I’ve done?
Is there hope for the hopeless who don’t know to be found?

I used to write from my heart, the things that mattered to me–
I would show you my struggles and battles I’d fought-
I’d express the thoughts in my mind and what I might be–
But now I can’t seem to pen a single thought.

Where Forgiveness Is

Take a breath.
Close your eyes.

It’s not too late to change your mind.

Take a step.
Don’t turn back.

There’s hope for you to find.

Fear can’t stop me now.
I’m going; I’m not turning back.
Fear can’t touch me here.
I’m going where forgiveness rests.

Take a breath.
Close your eyes.

It’s done and you can leave.

Take a step.
Don’t be afraid.

There’s a promise to believe.

Fear can’t stop me now.
I’m going; I’m not turning back.
Fear can’t touch me here.
I’m going where forgiveness hides.

Take a breath.
Close your eyes.

You’ve come too far to give up here.

Take a step.
Don’t look down.

Just push out all your fear.

Fear can’t stop me now.
I’m going; I’m not turning back.
Fear can’t touch me here.
I’m going where forgiveness lives.

Fear is waiting.
Fear is speaking.
Fear is pushing itself on you.
Fear is drowning.
Fear is knowing.
Fear is controlling what you do.

Fear can’t stop me now.
I’m going; I’m not turning back.
Fear can’t stop me now.
But doesn’t it wish it could?
Fear can’t stop me now.
There’s hope beyond this pain
and fear can’t stop me now.
I’m going where forgiveness thrives.

What Are My Words?

You can’t really tell
where I’m at
from my words
right now
I’m at the point
where I’m not sure
if that’s a problem
if it’s okay
that you can’t trust
a single thing
I say
to line up
with everything
I do.

Image

I don’t know how to express
the things you want to hear
because the image that you crave
will take me to my grave.
I try and try to impress
but I never come near.
When will my brokenness
be enough of a mess?

Depression and Your Choice

We try to excuse ourselves.
We try to find someone
or something else to blame
for everything we can’t handle.
It’s not my fault
and it’s not my problem
anymore.

I’ll just sit here quietly
with all the information
you never knew I had
but I swear I had it
all along.

Blame is easy to pass
when you don’t like what you see
depression is easy to mask
when you don’t want to admit
it’s more than you can handle
it’s more than you can bare
so maybe life’s not fair.

Humor me a moment
if you dare
because I’m calling you out
your actions are your actions
no matter how you feel.

Your choices are made
they’re decided by you
not a soul can force you
not if you really don’t want to
I know
and I know it’s hard but
choices are choices, even unmade.

The Mind of a Child…?

Sometimes we’re broken when we seem like we’re not.
No one sees the inside when you act like you’re strong.
Pain is a recurrence of life in decision.
Relief is a mirage we convince ourselves of.
Choices grow harder the more you’re convinced.
Follow the leader is only a game when you’re five.

Broken pieces are far more workable than one unwilling to bend.
Weakness is the stage where strength can display.
Healing can hurt without you knowing you are.
There is a difference between relief and the cure.
Haste is admired when you know what you’re doing, but
life is as complex as a five year old’s game.

I Don’t Know…

I thought this was a task
I could handle
with just my thoughts
and the internet.
I thought the people browsing
would care enough
to console me when I wanted
to cry myself to sleep at night.
Not a single person out there
could provide the consolation
that you could
if you were here.
But honestly
if I just knew that I could help you
then maybe I could handle
not seeing you every day–
every week, every month–
I don’t even know when I’ll see you again.
And I knew that going into this
but now I wonder what I was thinking…

I still think you’re worth it
I just wish it weren’t so difficult.

But then the best things are, aren’t they?

Differences in View

A word to me
could be an entire sentence
to you.
While a sentence to me
could be only an idea
too vague to comprehend.
As my galaxy collapses
in on itself
exploding into millions more
what fault do you see?
I see their beginnings
while you see my end.
A promise is a word
spoken with haste
accepted in thought
lost in the midst
of communications, not
words to bend.
A fire kindles
a fire starts
a forest afraid
my cold heart, warming
stone cold, melting
to whom do I offend?

Lies Become Truth When Repeated Often Enough

How hard can it be
to convince yourself of something
you never want to believe?

How can you feel this way
when everything you’ve ever told yourself
was created to deceive?

Build the lies
because everyone will start to believe
the words you pour your heart into.

Speak the words
like they’re truer than your desires
because the only one doubting is you.

Forget what matters
because this time there is no turning back
and finding hope.

Learn to bury
like your face into your pillow
as you learn you can not cope.

Bottle up every thought
that tells you things could actually work,
feelings don’t have to leave…

How hard could it be
to convince yourself of the very thing
you never ever want to believe?