I was about 10 when I remember being depressed for the first time.
Feeling like no one understood.
I was only a child
and yet
the feelings I had are so vivid
so sad
I wasn’t even a teenager
When I remember depression
Consuming my mind
And no one worried
No one thought to look out for me
But now you’re nine
And I worry about you
Every single day
Because I don’t want the pain I felt
To be something you know
At all
Take a breath.
Close your eyes.
It’s not too late to change your mind.
Take a step.
Don’t turn back.
There’s hope for you to find.
Fear can’t stop me now.
I’m going; I’m not turning back.
Fear can’t touch me here.
I’m going where forgiveness rests.
Take a breath.
Close your eyes.
It’s done and you can leave.
Take a step.
Don’t be afraid.
There’s a promise to believe.
Fear can’t stop me now.
I’m going; I’m not turning back.
Fear can’t touch me here.
I’m going where forgiveness hides.
Take a breath.
Close your eyes.
You’ve come too far to give up here.
Take a step.
Don’t look down.
Just push out all your fear.
Fear can’t stop me now.
I’m going; I’m not turning back.
Fear can’t touch me here.
I’m going where forgiveness lives.
Fear is waiting.
Fear is speaking.
Fear is pushing itself on you.
Fear is drowning.
Fear is knowing.
Fear is controlling what you do.
Fear can’t stop me now.
I’m going; I’m not turning back.
Fear can’t stop me now.
But doesn’t it wish it could?
Fear can’t stop me now.
There’s hope beyond this pain
and fear can’t stop me now.
I’m going where forgiveness thrives.
You can’t really tell
where I’m at
from my words
right now
I’m at the point
where I’m not sure
if that’s a problem
if it’s okay
that you can’t trust
a single thing
I say
to line up
with everything
I do.
I don’t know how to express
the things you want to hear
because the image that you crave
will take me to my grave.
I try and try to impress
but I never come near.
When will my brokenness
be enough of a mess?
Sometimes we’re broken when we seem like we’re not.
No one sees the inside when you act like you’re strong.
Pain is a recurrence of life in decision.
Relief is a mirage we convince ourselves of.
Choices grow harder the more you’re convinced.
Follow the leader is only a game when you’re five.
Broken pieces are far more workable than one unwilling to bend.
Weakness is the stage where strength can display.
Healing can hurt without you knowing you are.
There is a difference between relief and the cure.
Haste is admired when you know what you’re doing, but
life is as complex as a five year old’s game.
I thought this was a task
I could handle
with just my thoughts
and the internet.
I thought the people browsing
would care enough
to console me when I wanted
to cry myself to sleep at night.
Not a single person out there
could provide the consolation
that you could
if you were here.
But honestly
if I just knew that I could help you
then maybe I could handle
not seeing you every day–
every week, every month–
I don’t even know when I’ll see you again.
And I knew that going into this
but now I wonder what I was thinking…
I still think you’re worth it
I just wish it weren’t so difficult.
But then the best things are, aren’t they?
A word to me
could be an entire sentence
to you.
While a sentence to me
could be only an idea
too vague to comprehend.
As my galaxy collapses
in on itself
exploding into millions more
what fault do you see?
I see their beginnings
while you see my end.
A promise is a word
spoken with haste
accepted in thought
lost in the midst
of communications, not
words to bend.
A fire kindles
a fire starts
a forest afraid
my cold heart, warming
stone cold, melting
to whom do I offend?
How hard can it be
to convince yourself of something
you never want to believe?
How can you feel this way
when everything you’ve ever told yourself
was created to deceive?
Build the lies
because everyone will start to believe
the words you pour your heart into.
Speak the words
like they’re truer than your desires
because the only one doubting is you.
Forget what matters
because this time there is no turning back
and finding hope.
Learn to bury
like your face into your pillow
as you learn you can not cope.
Bottle up every thought
that tells you things could actually work,
feelings don’t have to leave…
How hard could it be
to convince yourself of the very thing
you never ever want to believe?